L: Mama, what does ‘paradise’ mean?
Me: It’s a place where everything is perfect.
L: So paradise is Candyland?
Me: “G, you’re such a love.”
G: No, I not a love! I a dragon!
"Hey, so thanks for rubbing your snot all over my shirt."
I didn’t have any snot!
"So what are you doing then?"I needed to use you for an itch-napkin.
Mama, something spilled in the tushie crack of the couch.
Can everybody stop poking me in the nipples?
"Honey, she asked you not to look. Please give her the same privacy you would want."
What do you want me to do? I can’t put my eyes in prison!
E: Why is it called ‘drop off?’ I mean, you don’t drop your kid off the car…you take them inside! You don’t drop them OFF!
L: Yeah! But if it *is* ‘drop off’, why is it ‘pick up?’ Shouldn’t it be ‘pick on?’
E: It can’t be ‘pick on’ because that means teasing. So maybe it shouldn’t be ‘drop off.’
L: So if it’s ‘pick up’ then maybe it’s ‘drop down!’
E: No, that’s a menu on a computer.
L: You can get noodles on the computer?
Sometimes I worry that we’re not real, and we’re all just characters in someone else’s dream.
Well, we don’t need to be good for goodness’ sake, because we celebrate Chanukah.
I just can’t eat them. They go down my spine too much.
NOT NICE, MAMA!
I cannot WAIT to get my face on that ice cream!
Why is it raining ice? Did this rain come all the way from the North Pole?
E: Mama! We learned about bats!
"What did you learn, love?"
L: They have dark-in-the-glow eyes because they play at night time.
E: Yeah, because they’re nocterminal.
Me: “Are you okay, love? What happened? What made you throw up?”
L: I throwed up because the throw-up juice came.
“‘Eww’ what, love?”
G is spreading his boogies on his bagels!
On the other side of the ice cream shop sat a few Boy Scouts and their troop leader.
E, looking toward the troop leader: Hey! It’s a Man Scout!
You know what’s underground, Mama?
Under ground is a great big bouncy ball and it’s called Planet Earth.
L: I want a pajama dress.
"What do you want?"
A pajama dress. A pajama dress like E’s. E’s pajama dress with ice cream on it. I want a pajama dress.
"You want a nightgown?"
Yes. But I call it a pajama dress.
Her Gramps: “L, how do you like to eat your brownies? All at once or little by little?”
L: Big by big.
Bedtime is such a nuisance.
E: Mama, what would happen if a toy was as big as us?
Me: “Well, it would be hard to use.”
E: Why? It’s not hard to use you.
Why is it even called a clownfish?Nemo isn’t funny at all.
L: E, today at school, will you teach me about pumping?
E: Sure! You want me to teach you about pumping milk or pumping gas?
L (with furious indignation): I want you to teach me about pumping my legs on the swing.
"L, just so you know, this is the last brownie."
It’s okay. I can make more.
I asked E why she had a bandaid on her finger.
Oh! I have a blister. It’s bad. It hurts a lot! I got it from too much coloring.
Daddy is a lot smarter than you.
Yeah, because he knows a lot more things.
"Well, I think we’re both pretty smart. There are some subjects where he knows more but there are also some where I know more."
NO. Daddy knows all the more things.
"Well, why do you think that, love?"
He’s much bigger than you. So he knows more.
"It is true that you have a short mommy."
"Come over and talk to me about it. Did you give me a chance to help you and take care of it, or did you freak out, love?"
I fruck out.
Me: “Well, we all have some magic inside us, right?”
L: No, Mommy, that’s wrong!
Me: “It is?”
L: Yeah, because what we have all inside us is not magic. It’s a skeleton.
L just said to me: You know you’re not anything. You’re just a grownup.
E: I’m going to draw a beautiful picture!
L: And I’m going to draw a beautiful scribble-scrabble!
Mama! I need milk! I have pickups!
Me: I might cry…
L: Don’t cry
Me: Why not?
L: Because we love you!!
Me: “E, stop that spitting sound.”
Her: I’m not spitting. I’m just drizzling inside my face.
A conversation between E (age 4.5) and her best (boy) friend, S (age 5):
E: I need to go use the potty. S, come stand there so we can keep talking. But close the door a little bit so I can have privacy.
E: Can you smell my poop?
E: I wish we could live together.
S: “Yeah. And then you could smell my poop!”