April 2013
1 post
1 tag
Sweet tooth
L: Mama, what does ‘paradise’ mean?
Me: It’s a place where everything is perfect.
L: So paradise is Candyland?
November 2012
2 posts
1 tag
Taxonomy
Me: “G, you’re such a love.”
G: No, I not a love! I a dragon!
1 tag
Wearable handkerchief
“Hey, so thanks for rubbing your snot all over my shirt.”
I didn’t have any snot!
“So what are you doing then?” I needed to use you for an itch-napkin.
August 2012
2 posts
July 2012
1 post
June 2012
2 posts
1 tag
Biomorphic
Mama, something spilled in the tushie crack of the couch.
1 tag
Back seat question
Can everybody stop poking me in the nipples?
May 2012
2 posts
1 tag
April 2012
1 post
1 tag
March 2012
1 post
1 tag
Civil rights
“Honey, she asked you not to look. Please give her the same privacy you would want.”
What do you want me to do? I can’t put my eyes in prison!
January 2012
2 posts
2 tags
Prepositions and dispositions
E: Why is it called ‘drop off?’ I mean, you don’t drop your kid off the car…you take them inside! You don’t drop them OFF!
L: Yeah! But if it *is* ‘drop off’, why is it ‘pick up?’ Shouldn’t it be ‘pick on?’
E: It can’t be ‘pick on’ because that means teasing. So maybe it shouldn’t be ‘drop...
1 tag
A precocious existential crisis
Sometimes I worry that we’re not real, and we’re all just characters in someone else’s dream.
December 2011
3 posts
1 tag
Even if Santa Claus is coming to town
Well, we don’t need to be good for goodness’ sake, because we celebrate Chanukah.
1 tag
Sour
I just can’t eat them. They go down my spine too much.
1 tag
G's first three-word sentence
NOT NICE, MAMA!
September 2011
1 post
1 tag
Anticipation
I cannot WAIT to get my face on that ice cream!
August 2011
2 posts
1 tag
1 tag
On hail on the first of August
Why is it raining ice? Did this rain come all the way from the North Pole?
July 2011
1 post
2 tags
Let's talk about bats
E: Mama! We learned about bats!
“What did you learn, love?”
L: They have dark-in-the-glow eyes because they play at night time.
E: Yeah, because they’re nocterminal.
June 2011
1 post
1 tag
Freshly squeezed
Me: “Are you okay, love? What happened? What made you throw up?”
L: I throwed up because the throw-up juice came.
May 2011
2 posts
1 tag
Start your day with a balanced breakfast
Ewwww!
“‘Eww’ what, love?”
G is spreading his boogies on his bagels!
Hey, big fella
On the other side of the ice cream shop sat a few Boy Scouts and their troop leader.
E, looking toward the troop leader: Hey! It’s a Man Scout!
April 2011
3 posts
1 tag
Strata
You know what’s underground, Mama?
“What, love?”
Under ground is a great big bouncy ball and it’s called Planet Earth.
1 tag
Nightie night
L: I want a pajama dress.
“What do you want?”
A pajama dress. A pajama dress like E’s. E’s pajama dress with ice cream on it. I want a pajama dress.
“You want a nightgown?”
Yes. But I call it a pajama dress.
1 tag
March 2011
5 posts
1 tag
Always pick option "C"
Her Gramps: “L, how do you like to eat your brownies? All at once or little by little?”
L: Big by big.
1 tag
Oh, the bother
Bedtime is such a nuisance.
1 tag
Double entendre
E: Mama, what would happen if a toy was as big as us?
Me: “Well, it would be hard to use.”
E: Why? It’s not hard to use you.
1 tag
Misnomer
Why is it even called a clownfish?Nemo isn’t funny at all.
2 tags
Homonym of the day
L: E, today at school, will you teach me about pumping?
E: Sure! You want me to teach you about pumping milk or pumping gas?
L (with furious indignation): I want you to teach me about pumping my legs on the swing.
February 2011
3 posts
1 tag
1 tag
Miss Independent
“L, just so you know, this is the last brownie.”
It’s okay. I can make more.
1 tag
Preschool is TOUGH
I asked E why she had a bandaid on her finger.
Oh! I have a blister. It’s bad. It hurts a lot! I got it from too much coloring.
January 2011
2 posts
1 tag
1 tag
December 2010
1 post
1 tag
Nine inches
Daddy is a lot smarter than you.
“He is?”
Yeah, because he knows a lot more things.
“Well, I think we’re both pretty smart. There are some subjects where he knows more but there are also some where I know more.”
NO. Daddy knows all the more things.
“Well, why do you think that, love?”
He’s much bigger than you. So he knows more.
...
November 2010
1 post
1 tag
Past tense
“Come over and talk to me about it. Did you give me a chance to help you and take care of it, or did you freak out, love?”
I fruck out.
October 2010
3 posts
1 tag
They've been talking about either science or...
Me: “Well, we all have some magic inside us, right?”
L: No, Mommy, that’s wrong!
Me: “It is?”
L: Yeah, because what we have all inside us is not magic. It’s a skeleton.
1 tag
Slander
L just said to me: You know you’re not anything. You’re just a grownup.
1 tag
Know your strengths
E: I’m going to draw a beautiful picture!
L: And I’m going to draw a beautiful scribble-scrabble!
September 2010
4 posts
1 tag
Well, I have a station wagon
{hic}
{hic}
Mama! I need milk! I have pickups!
1 tag
For posterity
Me: I might cry…
L: Don’t cry
Me: Why not?
L: Because we love you!!
1 tag
Cloudy with a chance of backtalk
Me: “E, stop that spitting sound.”
Her: I’m not spitting. I’m just drizzling inside my face.
August 2010
2 posts
2 tags
Blood brothers (or a variation thereof)
A conversation between E (age 4.5) and her best (boy) friend, S (age 5):
E: I need to go use the potty. S, come stand there so we can keep talking. But close the door a little bit so I can have privacy.
S: “Okay.”
E: Can you smell my poop?
S: “Yeah.”
E: I wish we could live together.
S: “Yeah. And then you could smell my poop!”
1 tag
July 2010
2 posts
1 tag
Pain don't hurt
Me: “Are you stepping on me?”
Her: No. I’m giving you a foot kiss.
1 tag
Those aren't temporary
E looked at the man’s arm, entirely covered in intricate, densely-inked tattoos.
He must have had a biiiiiiiig rectangle.
